I do not want to try hard…anymore…The discussion of Perfectionism & Epicureanism

I was very frustrated when I was preparing for my CELPIP test because I had not attended a test for two years. Even though everyone said it is easy, I was very depressed. I thought as long as I did not sign up for the test so I did not need to attend it. But I could not run away from it forever, I need the score of this test. I was pushed by my friend to pay for the test fee. I also knew I need to do some preparation for the test, but I have not started three days ago before the tests even I had a month originally.

I was thinking about why I was being escaped like this, I believe the key reason is perfectionism. I was always trying to do the best, but we all know it is super hard. The one way to avoid I can not do the best is not the do it.

This perfectionism becomes a kind of Learned Helplessness/Depression which like me, runs away from doing an action, being afraid of the consequence, refusing to make the decision.

I always knew I had this problem. But it has never been so representational and clear until I was preparing this test, as the criteria, the score, can show the result simply and powerfully.

I was wishing I could get the full score for sure, as everyone said the test is easy and some of my friends got the full score, even the education I received is to be the best. The high expectation would be easily be cracked if I did not get a full score actually. I know this taste as went through these years, experienced the big decisions in life, I know what the test of being frustrated, and I know this frustration would bring me big disappointment and pain and I know I could not solve them and make a perfect exam sheet.

There are some tips for how to deal with it, like stop high expectations, enhance the ability to be disappointed and stop frustration.

The idea I found helped me and subverted my brain is “Epicureanism”, the greatest good was to seek modest, sustainable pleasure in the form of a state of ataraxia (tranquility and freedom from fear) and aponia (the absence of bodily pain) through knowledge of the workings of the world and limiting desires.

To me, the idea is just to do it and try the best, do not think about the result, I know I am not “bad”, so the result would not be too unacceptable, but if I never start the preparation, the result would certainly be worse than I did.

Even though some people do not agree with this philosophy, how people do not have the target? But to me, this is the way to rescue myself. I am not saying I am doing nothing. I would try my best, and maybe I could do even better. I was always too rush to see the results as I wish to end the perfectionism sooner, but this is not right, it takes time to finish things perfectly. So this perfectionism may be wrong at the beginning.