I Escaped From the Cage of My Primary Family

My dad passed away from me when I was in grade 5 due to a car accident.

This opening is deep and “scared”, isn’t it? But do not worry! Look at the title of this blog. I escaped from this cage of the primary family!

It is interesting when we talked about anything like an intimate relationship, we would love to talk about the primary family. Most people said their primary family brings them the big trama and that is the reason they are not successful, they can not enter into a good intimate relationship, they are unhappy every day.

These are my past thoughts. 

I found it is hard to me to find a boyfriend! Then I blame because I do not know how to get along with boys, which is not true.

In my opinion, my most regretful thing is I did not call my father before he left at the hospital. And I did not visit my mum when she has a big surgery in the hospital.

I went on the dates last autumn and I was trying to enter an intimate relationship. However, I was trying to refuse but I am too nice to say “no”, so I started to blame my primary family. 

The truth.

The logic here is hard to understand, which also let me think deeply about what is the real family trauma I was having. I thought it is the absence of the father, however, this is the fact but not the real effect on me.

I think the reason is I am so independent and I tried to deal with everything myself. I only have my mum when I was a teenager and I was on my own all the time because my mum was super busy. I enclosed myself for the last 20 years that I do not like to talk much about myself or ask for help, even ask my mum. My mum is having an open education that she is ok with me doing anything, she respects most of the decisions in my life. So I built up my “autocratic” ego. I believe this is the truth of my primary family I need to face.

The way to escape.

However, this “autocratic” ego is fake, this is the persona I tended to wear but this is not fit for me and will fall off one day. I can not deal with everything myself. I need people to confide.

So I made calls to my mum and cried extremely hard and I received unexpected answers. She never remembered whether I said my father’s name because it was not important. She does not blame me for not visiting her because nobody asked me to do so and I was too young to know that I should visit my mum. She blamed me but not anymore now.

After the calls, I realized it is me! I chained myself. I was using the facts from my primary family as excuses to prevent sharing my own stories with others and say “no”. It is not bad to say “no”. When I face something I do not like, I should be brave.

Final thoughts.

I am so happy when the new year started, I escaped from the cage. There were no more negative inner thoughts and now I am reborn like the phoenix. I recognized that I have a healthy family, even though not that perfect. But the way my mum educated me, people around me, and my three views should not bring me negative thoughts. This is the time I gave up my past. We should look at the front instead of looking at the back!

If you like this blog, do not forget to click the “Like” button below, it is extremely important to me.

You can also leave a comment so we can chat 

Yanfei 

Author: Yanfei

Dream(ak)er. Graduate of the University of Toronto. Studied Architecture, Visual Arts, and Art History. Freelance fashion model, video maker/ social media manager, UX/UI designer. Being expressive makes me alive, being creative makes me curious.

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