For over two years, I have heard this person’s name constantly come up whenever I get together with work colleagues.
While talking about work-related issues/questions (why this potential client not working with our architecture firm) to everyday tasks taking weeks to complete (passport renewal process), there is ONE common person that constantly shows up in those conversations.
“You should talk to her” “She recently went through the similar issues in passport application process” “I think she dealt with similar potential client issue at her office.”
Except that, I don’t know “her” person. She is a perfect stranger to me.
One interesting aspect of this “her” person is that the people I am talking to also do not seem to know the person well, which made it awkward to introduce the person to me.
While brainstorming ways to reach out—show up at her office unannounced? (too stalkerish)—I realized something unexpected: it’s not just about finding this mystery woman. The way my colleagues keep suggesting her reveals what they think I need but can’t provide themselves.
And the answer isn’t some complicated networking strategy but simply the courage to send an old-fashioned introductory email and follow a clear process.
Turns out there are five steps to getting to know a stranger, and each step should be followed in strict order.
STEP 1: Start with “what’s in it for them” (or at the very least something they would find interesting)
The first step in connecting with people you want to know starts with research (“googling”).
Typing this person’s name onto the screen brought up different aspects of her work and even life stories. Learning about her and seeing her online resume revealed she also worked in New York City in the past—at the same time I was there in the early 2000s.
Reflecting on my old New York City life gave me ideas, including possible acquaintances we might have both known in the architecture field. We may have more in common than I initially thought.
With that information, I started the hello email with our New York City connection. Instead of “Hello, my name is so and so,” I now had a reason to reach out with this potential New York City friend vibe.
Thinking about our common life thread made the email writing process much easier. It felt like writing to a friend I hadn’t been in touch with for two decades rather than a perfect stranger.
Having a clear why (in this case, why would she respond to a perfect stranger’s email) made the awkward stage of writing much easier.
This flips conventional networking advice on its head—instead of leading with your own needs or credentials, you’re creating a genuine connection point. The courage comes in doing the research and finding something authentic rather than relying on generic ice-breakers.
STEP 2: Introduce yourself briefly
This is where the elevator pitch comes in: name, work, or even sharing a common acquaintance’s name.
This step is important but should never be long. Instead of getting into resume details, make a light, friendly, and easy connection.
Though we instinctively know we should make the other person feel comfortable, easy, light… our actual practice doesn’t always match these intentions. Instead, interactions feel uncomfortable, hard, and heavy.
In rare instances, you start making connections through these short introductions. Maybe you both know classmates from years ago, share interest in a recent movie, or even notice the shoes the other person is wearing.
Introducing yourself without reciting your resume can kickstart a connection, even chemistry. That undeniable connection you made in your high school or university years.
It’s no longer “trying” but actually being easy, light, friendly.
While networking “experts” often push for polished pitches, the real connection happens when you step back and create space for natural chemistry to develop.
STEP 3: Say what you want
This is the easy step for all of us, including yours truly.
I don’t mean the actual speech part but the thinking in your own head.
We know why we want to speak to that stranger, even though they don’t.
The reasons vary from professional to personal… help with a job search (in my case, getting a referral for a potential project), learning about a different industry, or simple curiosity.
As my colleagues gave glowing assessments about the person, I was simply curious. I wanted to find out if she was as great as everyone claimed and if she had the friendship qualities I look for.
Being able to share WHY you’re reaching out is necessary. Of course, bluntly saying “I want to be your friend” only works in kindergarten (or it didn’t work for me). However, showing interest in getting to know someone is flattering for most people.
In a job search scenario, this step makes it clear for both parties whether the conversation should continue.
This step requires the courage to be transparent about your intentions. While conventional networking often feels transactional and hidden behind vague pleasantries, being honest about what you’re looking for—even if it’s just curiosity—builds a foundation of authenticity that mysterious recommendations never could.
STEP 4: Suggest a longer meeting
This is where you can truly meet and learn about the person as well as share detailed information about yourself.
Suggesting a potential future meeting indicates whether there’s a need to continue the relationship. Yet surprisingly few people practice this essential step.
Adding countless LinkedIn contacts (or business cards in the old days) without following up is an opportunity missed—unless your goal is simply to increase your contact numbers.
I suspect our universal fear of rejection is to blame. Asking someone and possibly receiving a NO can be daunting.
However, it’s absolutely vital in the process of actually getting to know someone.
This is where most networking approaches fall apart—they focus on the initial connection but avoid the vulnerable moment of asking for real engagement. T
he courage to take this step transforms those mysterious recommendations into potential relationships rather than just names in your contact list.
STEP 5: Know there may be NO’s
Facing the dreaded NO isn’t such a huge issue (ok, it is a huge issue), but if you think about it—this person was a “stranger” a few minutes ago, so how bad can their rejection really be?
After all, can a stranger’s rejection truly matter?
Rejection is a universal fear whether it comes from people we know or not. However, with each experience, we improve at assigning the right significance to each one.
None of us like rejection, but with practice, we become better at handling it.
This final step is the true test of courage in the process—accepting that not every mysterious person your colleagues recommend will become your new best friend.
What traditional networking advice misses is that rejection itself becomes less scary with practice, and each NO brings you closer to finding the connections that matter.
Final Thoughts
Thinking about meeting people as a mechanical step-by-step process feels unnatural and uncomfortable.
When faced with discomfort, we take the easy route: don’t reach out, don’t write that intro email (which might not get responses), avoid rejections.
With the safety of staying comfortable, you risk missing great possibilities: the next job opportunity, another work colleague, or even a potential best friend.
As I press “send” on my email to this person I’ve heard great things about (after revising it only ten times instead of my usual twenty), I’m feeling hopeful about a response. Or not. Either way, I’ve broken through my own barriers, which may be the real victory here.
And if she turns out to be half as amazing as everyone says, I’ll let you know if the passport renewal tips were worth all this anxiety!
How do you reach out to people you don’t know? Or do you hide behind your screen revising emails like me?
Life Outside of Design Studio 