Everyone talks about the importance of networking – showing up to events, building relationships, staying in touch.
I have done all of that. I have attended countless networking functions, swapped LinkedIn contacts, and promised people I would reconnect at some “future” time. That future never materialized, and for years I blamed my lack of follow-through.
But the truth is harder than that.
Most of those relationships were never real to begin with. They were performances where both people played their parts – exchanging pleasantries, expressing vague interest in staying connected, carefully avoiding anything that might create actual obligation or rejection. We called it building relationships, but we were really just collecting contacts.
Then at the beginning of this year, a random zoom call with a contact I met a decade ago changed how I thought about these meetings.
Instead of just showing up without clear objective, I started asking myself the hard questions. Why am I meeting this person? Why would they want to meet me? Why am I spending time on this when I have tasks piling up?
The answer was uncomfortable. Networking itself was not the problem, but my communication style was producing ineffective outcomes because it was rooted in fear. I was showing up and performing the role of a networker, but I was not actually saying anything that mattered.
Rejection gives clarity
Asking for something, especially from people you barely know, creates uneasy feelings. What if they think I am too aggressive, or worse, what if I hear NO?
With a deeply ingrained fear of rejection, I learned to have safe conversations in professional settings. My communication with colleagues stayed with pleasantries, and my feedback to students became longer and softer, trying to lessen their negative feelings instead of giving them clear criticism.
The problem is that this type of communication does not help anyone. Students do not improve, colleagues remain acquaintances, and relationships stay comfortable but superficial.
For the zoom call with my old developer contact, I decided to change my approach. Instead of easy topics about what our lives have been, I asked specific work-related questions. I asked if he would consider working on a project with an architecture firm of my size.
It was an awkward question that met silence. While waiting for his answer, I regretted asking and wanted to reset the meeting, erase the question, go back to comfortable small talk.
After what felt like forever, he took a deep breath and said NO. He shared his reasons – lack of certain building project experience was the biggest one, along with administrative concerns about whether our office could handle the scale.
What I did not expect was that the rejection brought clarity. Hearing the clear NO freed me from the “I should have asked” feeling that usually lingered after networking meetings. Even though I was disappointed, I had the answer I needed to move on.
Preparation is not communication
I prepared for that meeting for days, thinking about what I would ask and what his questions might be for me.
While preparing, the real reason for the meeting became clear.
It was not about reconnecting with an old friend or adding to my contact list, but about finding out if there was a possibility to work together.
But preparation alone does not produce outcomes. Without taking action, without asking the direct question, I would never have found out what he thought.
Communication works two ways, and without one person’s effort to start it, the other person has nothing to respond to. The clarity comes from the exchange, even if there is awkward silence in the middle.
Clear questions build real connections
The irony is that my vague communication style was supposed to preserve relationships. I thought being direct would push people away, but it turns out the opposite is true.
That developer and I agreed to reconnect in the spring for different type of project (his words) possibility. It is not much, but it is more concrete than the usual “let’s stay in touch sometime” that never materializes.
When I asked the direct question, I gave him something real to respond to. Even his NO came with specific reasons that gave me clarity on what to work on.
Compare that to my previous networking meetings where everyone left saying “let’s stay in touch” but neither person knew what the other actually wanted.
Those relationships died from politeness.
The meetings that turn into real professional relationships are the ones where someone asks a clear question. Do you have budget for this? Are you looking for this type of expertise? Would you consider a project at this scale?
Fear disguises itself as professionalism. We think we are being respectful by staying vague, but what we are really doing is protecting ourselves from hearing an answer we do not want.
Final Thought
To have clarity in our professional communication, we need to get over the feelings of uneasiness. Asking for a raise, disagreeing with a colleague’s view, asking for a project with old contacts – those are the difficult questions.
Without overcoming those uneasy moments, we will not get the clarity we need to move forward.
Considering you just have to bear five minutes (okay, could be longer) of awkward silence is not a bad trade-off compared to years of mulling over “I should have asked” regrets.
Besides, that silence only feels long when you are in it. Once you get the answer, you will wonder why you waited so long to ask. To reconnect with the developer in “spring” again, I just have to be clear(?) on when spring starts in Toronto:-)
Life Outside of Design Studio 